


out of the ash

by renascence



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, but it's a really slow development, joohyun/seulgi/seungwan friendship 'cos yes, oh hey another one of those college/university au's, platonic wenrene, seulrene is.. endgame dw, some fluff and some angst 'cos i said so, some references to mental health issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 18:49:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17730650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renascence/pseuds/renascence
Summary: Bae Joohyun has wanted to be a writer ever since she can remember—she just hasn't necessarily stepped out of her comfort zone to do so. But on her first day as a writer for Be Bold, she's expected to do just that. And the problem is Joohyun doesn't think herself capable enough for it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so. Can you believe this idea has been with me since way before I wrote anything RV related? Each time I wanted to write it I just couldn’t capture the 'essence' but hey, here it is! I hope you enjoy it as a chaptered work even though it was supposed to be posted as a whole arse one-shot.
> 
> I’ll try to update it every Sunday hopefully?

Joohyun has never been too fond of the rain—the way it sticks to her mind, a harbinger of thoughts left forgotten.

   She's expected to stew and brood in her memories, let them envelop her senses until she's unable to distinguish between the past and present. But she's not one to  _brood_  on herself—she considers herself too unimportant in a world in which people are focused on each other.

   Rain falls with dull  _splats_  as it blurs away the city from her vision. She's stood near the glass balcony door, watching life be reflected in the many droplets. For a strange moment, Joohyun wishes she could embody the aesthetic of the tortured writer sat in a café, scribbling some lines of poetry on a piece of tissue paper—maybe the imagery would inspire her lethargic muse. But for that she'll need an  _idea_  and for once she's desperate enough to search for one on Google.

   The essay she wrote on poverty which impressed the editor in chief of  _Be Bold_  was written under a week—each word woven together by foreign tales and vulnerable images, sewn together by the sheer urgency to  _just write_. She's supposed to pitch an idea at her first meeting as a writer for  _Be Bold_  yet her mind is terribly empty, shrouded in an impenetrable pedantic fog. Joohyun has an insatiable need to be validated for her work, to let her written words be the only way others perceive her as.

   She sees Seungwan approach her in the reflection of the glass.

   "You're not gonna get any sun in this weather," Seungwan says, her tone teasingly fond, "and stop glaring at the clouds, you might scare them away."

   Since Joohyun was a child she had an inherent love for all things sunny—quite unlike Seungwan who has an intense aversion to sunlight, her window stays curtained and her room bathed in the most violent of blues, she bought a projector for that very purpose.

   "I don't  _glare_ ," Joohyun scoffs.

   "Oh, of course you don't—those two freshmen boys gave up their seats for you because you looked at them lovingly," she says and steps away at the right time before Joohyun could hit her.

   Happiness used to be a term unfamiliar to Joohyun before she met Seungwan and Seulgi—the latter came completely free of charge with Seungwan's friendship—she felt like a starved child in their presence, cold and so alone that she attached herself to them—if she were to let them go they'd simply fade away. Their loyalty though was infectious and intimate in a way she thought she'd never be able to understand. They were the same but different, cleaved from the same soul and at times Joohyun would be the slightest bit envious of that.

   She smiles at Seungwan's stupid antics as she falls rather dramatically on the couch. "Aren't you gonna go back to your bat cave?"

   "Not when I want to spend all of my time with you, unnie," Seungwan says impishly the moment Joohyun settles into the couch next to her and holds onto Seungwan's arm out of habit—it's comforting to be physically affectionate without any pretence or thought, to hold another person just for the need to form a connection.

   And Joohyun adores every second of it.  
  


* * *

  
Seulgi enters into the apartment the way she entered into Joohyun's life—all haphazard and clumsy energy which follows her around like an unrelenting storm—yet it's the same  _energy_  that enraptures the hearts of people.

   She never asked for Joohyun's friendship, she took it in a way that made it seem as though she always belonged in her life—a completely attached and sentimental cub, too pitiable to be left alone.

   "Sorry I'm late," Seulgi says and sat herself on the couch beside Seungwan.

   "You ass! You said you'd be here an hour ago!" Seungwan yells but Joohyun doesn't pay any attention to their benign banter, she's busy in the art of wasting time; tracing over the various circles she's drawn in her notebook, the pages lie empty awaiting to be filled. It isn't until Seulgi takes away the notebook from her hands that Joohyun looks at her in irritation.

   There's a charm to Seulgi that she hasn't quite understood yet, it's present whenever Seulgi smiles and Joohyun can't stay mad at her. "Unnie, I don't think Taeyeon would appreciate a lack of ideas from your side."

   "I can't  _think_  of any," she says and snatches back her notebook the moment Seulgi starts to flip through the previous pages.

   "Got something you don't want us to see?" Seulgi looks infuriatingly cheeky.

   "You know," Seungwan says rather loudly, "you could just cover an event—I heard the physics department is opening up the observatory for visitors before Chuseok."

   Joohyun considers it for a moment and writes it down, Seulgi though, doesn't approve, "But that's not feature worthy!"

   She doesn't want the recognition of a  _featured_  article—a little apprehensive of the expectations they will place on her shoulders, she'll lose herself in a vicious cycle just to impress. She's content to see her name published in print. "I'm happy to just be a part of the team."  
  


* * *

  
If Joohyun were to not presume the trees around the university campus as bare, ugly things—she would see the mellowed beauty of their intertwined branches and their patience for greener seasons. If she weren't to dismiss them, she might've been able to see a plethora of different  _lives_  etched in the veins of leaves. Instead, she only thinks them unnecessary in a place infested with concrete.

   Walking beside Seulgi to the office of student publications has an odd sense of familiarity and comfort, she is like the moon, steady and bright in the night sky—almost benevolent in her air of justice. She bumps shoulders with Joohyun to get her attention.

   "Unnie," Seulgi says somewhat conspiratorially, "there's so much you can write on gender and identity and the perception of them both in our society."

   Seulgi is only a couple of inches taller than her and Seungwan and at times Joohyun finds it endearing to look up at her—the topic is interesting as well. "From what angle?"

   "Well... you know how the trans community isn't completely recognised and how most of the time a trans individual has to conform themselves to the identity society places on them—they're not seen as the gender they identify as and they're stuck in the middle. You could focus on that and get an interview as well. Start off with a bang!"

   Joohyun rolls her lips into her mouth—it's a topic she'd love to  _read_  but doesn't trust herself to be objective enough to write it. "I don't think I'd be able to find anyone to interview."

   "If you do it, it'll honestly change the way a lot of people think in our university." There's a palpable energy in the air, so much so that Joohyun can feel it on her hands, Seulgi is so  _happy_ —she's all movement, airy and solid—so full in the capacity to always stand for the right thing. "And I know someone who'd cooperate."

   Joohyun is cowardly, ever afraid of the consequences of her actions. "I'm not sure..."

   "Come on, unnie! You've got a chance to do something  _amazing_ , don't let it go."

   "I know," she says, "I know."


	2. Chapter 2

In the small and cramped office of  _Be Bold_ , the sudden change in the atmosphere is completely palpable when the editor in chief, Taeyeon walks in.

   For Joohyun, she's the epitome of perfection.

   Back in her first year of university, Joohyun heard about the only student journalist brave enough to cover the sexual assault scandal that shook the edifice of the architecture department quite literally—Taeyeon became a mythical figure in the eyes of every aspiring writer and since then Joohyun worships her entire existence. Taeyeon was the only female among her colleagues and inspired a sense of awe every time she fought for an article a bit too leftist in its views—there's a declared confidence in her every step and at times, though Joohyun might never admit, she wishes she could be  _Taeyeon_  and feel her resounding sense of self-assurance. Joohyun is almost giddy like a prepubescent girl in her presence.

   Just as Taeyeon sits on her desk, there's a flurry of sound as the writers flip through pages to find the ideas they need to pitch. Joohyun finds hers easily, the page stark and almost blinding to the eyes—quite mocking as the only words on it are:  _on seungwan's suggestion; the observatory??_  She looks up to see the other two writers on staff, they have a rather eased posture about them, like they  _belong_  here—Lisa has a propensity towards social commentaries while the other writer who refers to himself as  _Ten_  is eclectic in his tastes, from vivid pieces on the dance society to vaguely sarcastic ones aimed at the university administration. Joohyun only has a few essays with nothing else to her name and for a horrifying minute she wonders why  _she_  was chosen when there are a thousand others better than her.

   "Glad to have you on the team, Joohyun-ssi," Taeyeon says and Joohyun inclines her head automatically out of respect, "alright everyone—gimme what you got."

   Ten is the first one to perk up at that. "There's an upcoming interdepartmental basketball match next week and I  _really_  wanted to cover it." Before he can say more Lisa leans over to whisper in his ear and then kicks his calf in jest—from their ease in conversation it seems like it's a common occurrence but Joohyun looks away as though she intruded on a private moment. " _Fine_ , I'll think of something else, spare me."

   In her mind, Joohyun had created a version of Taeyeon as a strict leader—an amalgam of all the personalities she's met in her life that have a position of power, so she's surprised to see Taeyeon smile fondly at their childish exchange. She grips the edges of her notebook. "Uh..." she starts but instantly freezes once all of them turn their attention at her—it feels like an eternity before she gathers the courage stuck in her throat to continue, "I heard the uni observatory is gonna be opened up for public sometime from now."

   "Great, Lalisa-ssi you're covering the observatory."

   "But—but sunbae!" Lisa bemoans with a pout, "I've got an idea to pitch!" Taeyeon nods at her to continue, "I wanted to write on how we as a culture perceive a person as beautiful only when they're 'skinny' and have an ideal weight and how _that_ can then perpetuate the thought process of body hate—which might then lead to a psychological disorder."

   Taeyeon nods to herself a few times—Joohyun knows  _that_  is a feature worthy article.

   "Joohyun-ssi, you've got your assignment," Taeyeon says and turns to Ten in a way that dismisses both of the girls—the curtain falls and there's no encore. Joohyun wonders if she's stuck inside some bizarre dream.  
  


* * *

  
She isn't in a dream, she realises once she feels the stretch of time like an old ache in her mind.

   Seungwan clocks in after her classes and upon entering offers Joohyun a thumbs up in congratulations to which she doesn't reply. Seconds trickle by like beads of water coalescing into minutes as Joohyun is unable to find any reason to be given someone else's idea to write—doesn't consider herself proficient enough to be able to do  _right_  by it, she would've done better to just report on the observatory. She thinks of reasons to tell Taeyeon why she isn't a good choice for an article of this type, that she isn't experienced enough for that journalistic neutrality or  _god forbid_  experienced in speaking to strangers for an interview. Exhausted, she rubs her hand over her face. She notices Lisa walking over in her direction.

   Up close, Lisa is quite pretty in an unconventional manner and is considerably taller than Joohyun—not that  _she'd_  be the first person she's met who's taller than her. Joohyun ignores her presence near her desk for a while until it becomes unbearable.

   "Do you need anything?" Joohyun asks, all polite yet nervous energy in the way she doesn't keep eye contact for long.

   Lisa leans over her desk, purposely getting closer that Joohyun pushes her chair back slightly for some space, there's an impish smile on her face at Joohyun's reaction as though she knows every reason behind it.

   "Do  _you_  need anything?" Her smile grows wider and more devious if it ever could because Joohyun could only remain embarrassingly silent in reply. "To eat, I mean. Ten and I are gonna go to the corner store near uni for some snacks."

   "No, thank you I'm not hungry," she says in hopes that Lisa might go but instead she lingers, an expression of infinite curiosity on her face—it's an expression Joohyun is  _infinitely_  familiar with on the faces of strangers, they look at her like she's some sort of mysterious object to be deciphered or a new planet whose terrain they're unfamiliar with. But that's all it ever is, just simple curiosity that drips away into indifference.

   "You know," Lisa says, her tone all sorts of forced casualness, "since you got the article I was gonna write... I could lend you some of the research I've done."

   "That really won't be necessary."

   But her answer seems like one Lisa had expected to hear, it's indicative in the way her smile turns smug and full of importance. "It's no wonder they call you an ice princess."


	3. Chapter 3

September sunlight falls quite dull against the glass balcony and the shadows it casts remain soft and dispersed like ghosts on the walls—all is still and silent. Joohyun is still tired, it's in her posture—all lethargic and sullen. She's made herself a cup of mint tea that sits steaming on the kitchen counter, the fragile wisps of steam seem inconsequential in the light. It's the one day of the week in which she has no classes yet her laptop is opened to a Word document and various notes lay scattered near it.

   She's supposed to have started research for the article since yesterday, but university essays feel more important as of now. She rests her head on the counter, how nice would it be to close her eyes and—

   —a door slams shut and she startles awake. Seungwan skids to a halt next to the couch, Joohyun blinks blearily at her—the last vestiges of sleep now lost.

   She clears her throat in hopes that her voice doesn't sound too muffled with sleep. "Aren't you gonna have any breakfast?"

   "No, I'm getting late for class," Seungwan says and zips up her bag in a hurry, slinging it over her shoulder, "I'll have something on the way."

   "Seungwan-ah!" Joohyun admonishes but whatever she was about to say is long forgotten as she bursts into peals of laughter at Seungwan's state of dress. "You're wearing pyjama bottoms to class?"

   Seungwan only rolls her eyes and starts to shrug on a pair of sneakers by the shoe cabinet. "No time! Gotta jet, baby."  
  


* * *

  
Joohyun is in the middle of finishing her essay when Seungwan returns and throws her bag on the couch—she looks even more unkempt than she did when she left, like she'd pulled at her hair in frustration, surviving theoretical linguistics has never been her strong suit.

   Seungwan opens the fridge to take out a bottle of water. "Have you moved since I left?"

   "I don't remember myself turning into stone, so yes, I must've moved."

   Before replying, Seungwan gestures towards the kitchen—it's shiny and unused. "And obviously you must've made yourself some lunch as well." She pauses, then shakes the bottle, "What about water?"

   Joohyun hesitates, her fingers hover above the keys of the laptop as though a thing invisible slid in the spaces between them. She isn't hungry, doesn't even remember the last time she ate—though she must have had food yesterday, Seungwan loves to cook for others. Petulantly, she says, "I had some tea."

   "Yeah, okay. Let's go."

   "What? Why?" Joohyun's voice gets whiney and high-pitched, almost childlike in its tone of complaint.

   "You know, to get you some food, you asshole," Seungwan says and picks up her bag to go out, "I gotta get some layouts approved by Taeyeon, anyway."

   "I'm not a child, I can take care of myself."

   "Uh-huh, whatever floats your boat."  
  


* * *

  
Seungwan excuses herself for an hour but not before leaving Joohyun in Seulgi's care, like she really is some ill-mannered child to be monitored at all times.

   A half-empty glass of iced coffee sits on the table in front of Seulgi—droplets of condensed water glistens like orange glitter in the light that streams in from the window. Apart from a total of six people, the café is empty—a husk of its former self. Their chatter falls on deaf ears as Joohyun focuses her attention on the menu and sees letters swim unintelligibly creating a mesh of black words, deftly avoiding Seulgi's stare.

   "What's up?" Seulgi tries but when Joohyun doesn't respond, she employs the one thing that might melt her composure. " _Unnie_."

   Joohyun finally looks up to find Seulgi pouting cutely at her, with an elbow on the table, chin resting in the palm of her hand. "What?"

   "What's  _up_?"

   "I'm thinking of going back to the apartment, I haven't started on the article yet." Not that she would do anything related to the article per se, she just wants to go  _home_ —to the safety of familiarity. She isn't fond of unplanned outings, when she  _needs_  time to convince herself every day that she might go mad in the emptiness of her room—numb to the world around her—people are, despite being hindering annoyances, key to the preservation of her sanity. Whatever that's left of it, anyway.

   "Yeah? You can start on it after you eat something."

   "I'm not hungry."

   "But why?" Seulgi asks, her face slightly shadowed in worry—something Joohyun has never been a recipient of before.

   She looks away. "It doesn't matter."

   "But you matter to me," Seulgi replies in an instant, with a smile so reminiscent of Seungwan that she knows not to take her words too seriously.

   "Oh my god," she hides her face in her hands out of embarrassment, for what, she isn't sure of. "You spend so much time with Seungwan that her humour has rubbed off on you."

   "Why do you think we became friends in the first place?" She nudges Joohyun's leg under the table to get her attention, "Come on, at least have  _something_." She thrusts out her bottom lip and then says in the most endearing voice imaginable, "Please?"

   "I will if you stop doing that."

   And in an instant, Seulgi grins so wide that Joohyun has to stop herself from smiling in return. "Deal. How about some coffee?"

   "Goddammit, I'll leave right now."

   In Joohyun's opinion, Seulgi has the most attractive smile of them all. Her beauty is annihilating and pure like the sudden burst of a supernova and you stand in awe amidst the destruction of injustice because Seulgi is the harbinger all things  _right_  and  _beautiful_. "Okay, okay—so, what'll you have?"

   "Hot chocolate," she says, but after Seulgi's unimpressed stare, "I'll have food after it."

   She watches Seulgi go to place the order and feels so full with a rush of gratitude that tears spring in her eyes. She isn't sure what to do with this— _this_  unconditional form of friendship, with this affection they give her. She isn't sure if she really deserves it.  
  


* * *

  
Happiness,  _happiness_ —is this happiness? She isn't sure what it is but she feels so elated as her heart drips softly with a kind of warm softness akin to melted wax.

   They're joined by Seungwan after an hour or so and despite Joohyun's varying claims of having work to do, they don't go home. This  _emotion_  that she shares with them is quite surreal—she finds herself turning to catch Seulgi's gaze more often, sharing little secretive smiles at Seungwan's unintentional jokes or accidental innuendos, laughing for no reason at all in the middle of crowded shops. She's safe in the company of the only people most precious to her, bathed a pale golden in the fading light of the setting sun.

   It's been so long since Joohyun has felt so  _content_  that she wants to trap this feeling inside a bell jar, in hopes to preserve it for an eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If only I was this consistent w/ uni work my GPA probably would've survived the shitstorm that was last semester.


	4. Chapter 4

Joohyun feels entirely wrung out, almost boneless and without any direction— _vacant_.  
  
   A research study about body hate lies open on her laptop, she's stared at it long enough that her eyes have started to smart from the brightness of the screen—words and sentences whirl in her mind, astray and without any meaning. She trails a pen absently over an empty page in her notebook, swirls made of purple ink represent the disconnect of her thoughts. Logically, the next step would be to find a person to interview but Joohyun isn't necessarily logical, a bit too defensive and inexperienced in the art of persuasion to go speak to a stranger.  
  
   "Hey, ice princess," Lisa says, one hand braced on Joohyun's desk, tone all smug and full of importance like it's her job to annoy people.

   Her gaze flicks up to meet Lisa's instinctually, the corners of her lips are curled up in a fairly casual smile. "Lalisa-ssi."

   "Call me Lisa."

   Joohyun can't hide the surprise in her voice when she says, "Just Lisa?"

   "Sure," she leans in close enough that Joohyun can smell the sharp scent of strawberries—it invades her personal bubble so much so that she can _feel_ it crawl over her skin like the soft silk of spider web, "you're allowed to drop all honorifics with me."

   She's unabashedly mischievous and quite cheeky, aware of the many reactions caused by whatever she says—expression set with the perpetual air of a _holier-than-thou_ attitude. Joohyun can't think of anything worthwhile to say, her tongue gone numb and stiff without the aid of a bitter retort. She'll wait until she's alone—lost in a degree of solitude found in those tremulous minutes before sleep—to think all the things she could've said or done, silently berating herself in seclusion of her mind.

   "Lisa!" Ten calls and walks up towards them, throwing an arm around Lisa's shoulders out of a playfulness present in only certain forms of friendship. "What're you doing scaring our newbie?" He turns to address Joohyun, tone drenched in mock humility, "I'm sorry, noona—she was dropped on her head as a child."

   "What the f—" Lisa starts but her words get muffled when Ten places his hand over her mouth. Joohyun wonders whether to avert her eyes or not.

   "See? She's a social hazard. I  _originally_ sent her to ask if you'd like to join us."

   "What? Are you inviting me to join your cult?" Joohyun asks, incredulous—thoughts whirl in her mind like vary circles—weightless, formless.

   Lisa pulls his hand away, elbowing him in the process. "She already said yes."

   "Great, let's go!" Ten pulls Joohyun up like they're the best of friends and links their arms together—this _propensity_ that he has to be overly familiar with people is somewhat endearing—she’s too _nice_ to say no or even _ask_ now that they're halfway out of the office, can't risk the secondhand embarrassment that comes from rejecting someone. "There's this café we go to sometimes and they make _the_ best red velvet cupcakes in the world—they're to die for."

   "Your family is to die for, food is to eat," Joohyun mumbles a reference to one of her favourite shows, _knowing_ that her words will just fizzle away into the atmosphere—they usually do, her voice stays unacknowledged in the presence of acquaintances.

   So Joohyun is surprised to hear Lisa agree with her. "Finally someone who has some sense."

   "I know you're uncultured, don't assume other people are the same," Ten retorts.

   Joohyun stays quiet, not ready to participate in a conversation between friends who've already built a comradery—she's okay to be left alone to observe in silence.  
  


* * *

  
"So," Ten says, taking out some money from his wallet, "what'll you have, noona?"

   He stands rather comfortable, unaffected by the stares directed at him by a group of teenage girls—a few of them stare slack-jawed at the three of them, or rather, just Ten and Lisa—but there's a rigidity to the set of his shoulders as though trying to impersonate the confidence of someone he's seen in a picture. He keeps trying to look somewhere Joohyun isn't sure of, perhaps wanting to catch someone's gaze, but this feigned indifference doesn't suit him. Joohyun is quite surprised to see that Lisa hasn't said anything until she glances at her and sees Lisa counting her money as well.

   Joohyun immediately takes off her phone cover to hand Ten the money she's kept there. "I'll try out those cupcakes you were raving about."

   "Nuh-uh," Lisa waves dismissively, "it's my treat, I _am_ your sunbae after all."

   At her unconcerned admission that edges towards condescending, Ten and Joohyun look at her in various shades of incredulity—she palms a couple of notes into Ten's hand whose mouth hangs open in disbelief.

   Joohyun frowns. "No, you're not."

   "You're new at _Be Bold_ , no?" Lisa smirks, clearly in jest and quirks a brow at Joohyun, seemingly cocky in the way she folds her arms over her chest and leans against a wall.

   Joohyun looks away, cheeks prickling with embarrassment. She focuses her gaze on Ten as he walks over to place the order. The barista greets him in a way that Joohyun assumes they know each other personally—all flirtatious smiles and coy gestures. The café has a soft quality to its edges, quaint and serene as sunlight filters inside through the windows.

   "Find anyone to interview?” Lisa asks, slightly curious.

   "Not yet."

   "Yeah?" She spends some time on her phone, frowning slightly in concentration, "I sent you my friends' number, her name's Chaeyoung. Call her up for the interview." Lisa is suspiciously calm about the situation—head titled to one side and oddly cute.

   "Oh—um," Joohyun says, slightly unsure. "Thanks?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> However awkward or strange Joohyun and Lisa's interactions might be, they serve a purpose to the overall narrative—especially in terms of Seulrene's dynamic. I might not update next Sunday 'cos I need to focus on uni shit apparently.
> 
> (Has anyone ever kept their money in their phone case? One of my friends actually does that! I thought it'd be a cute little piece of info to add to Joohyun's character.)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small TW for the second scene: mentions of an eating disorder and body hate.

Apprehension is quite horrible in its extreme certainty to make Joohyun feel  _insane_ —to make her feel as though her skin were not her own, stretched too tight over muscle and bone like an awkward fit.

   An ordinary interview shouldn't feel so Herculean that it chips away at every ounce of courage until she deteriorates into a naive fool, curled up on the couch and cocooned by her very worthlessness. She isn't as apathetic as people portray her to be—an arrogant and impassive little girl who believes a little too much in her own myth—she's just weak and unworthy of the expectations placed upon her.

   She tightens her fingers around her notebook as she sinks further into the couch, hoping for an excuse to materialise out of empty space—as a call, perhaps, that an interview isn't really necessary for the article or  _anything else_  other than the thought that looms over her head that she'll  _have_  to go through with it. Beside her, Seungwan either knows somehow or does it out of a friendly courtesy—placing her hand on Joohyun's shoulder and tracing clumsy circles into the worn fabric of her shirt. It does nothing to appease her thoughts but Joohyun appreciates the affection nonetheless.

   "When will you be back?" Seungwan asks, an ineffable worry unintentionally present in every word—thumb pressing into sore muscles.

   From her position on the floor, Seulgi leans back against Joohyun's legs and honestly, it's  _cute_  to see her behave like an odd and cuddly cub when she shies away from most touch. Joohyun wants to lean down and tousle her hair.

   "I'm not sure," she says, "it depends if she's willing to answer any of my questions." And it's a doubt—no matter how small, it's still a  _doubt_  and it causes Joohyun to suspect her ability to conduct the interview without any hindrances.

   Seungwan pushes herself off the couch, scowling and moving towards the kitchen—Seulgi looks up at her curiously and Joohyun is vaguely aware of the softness of Seulgi's profile. "I don't feel good letting you go alone.. where are you meeting her?"

   Joohyun tries to tame this strange emotion welling up in her chest, doesn't realise how difficult it would be to not  _melt_  at the thought that people care for her—she snorts instead. "I'm sure she's not a serial killer."

   "What, are you a profiler? Anybody could be one, even  _I_  could!"

   Getting up from the floor, Seulgi scoffs pleasantly, "Wan-ah, you're as capable of murder as a squirrel is capable of being a genius." Stretching, Seulgi's shirt rides up her waist exposing a sliver of skin Joohyun didn't intend to see—she turns away, fully embarrassed. "I'll go with her. I gotta head back anyway."

   Joohyun is about to protest but stops when Seungwan gives Seulgi a look—lips pursed with an air of subtle amusement—it's a look only Seulgi can decipher, spoken in a language only the two of them could ever understand.

   "It's not like I'm going on a Tinder date..." she supplies, more to herself than anyone else.

   Seungwan grins infuriatingly wide, placing both her hands on Seulgi's back and deliberately pushing her at the door, "I want my daughter back by six, young lady!"  
  


* * *

  
Chaeyoung wields body language like a shield, already on the defensive less than three minutes into the interview.

   There's an untouched cup of coffee on the table that Chaeyoung supposedly ordered earlier, she's obviously reluctant to be here—seemingly uninterested in introductory questions and choosing to remain monosyllabic in her answers. She's nice enough, only slightly better in the attitude Joohyun had expected—still a little haughty despite the fact that Joohyun is trying to behave terribly neutral—she'd even allowed Seulgi to sit on the same table with a stiff nod. Except when Seulgi sat down, she pushed the chair behind Joohyun as a retort.

   Joohyun can fill in Chaeyoung's sentences with reports and statistics during the writing process—she wouldn't  _need_  a bloody interview if it were an article she was writing just for the sake of it but it isn't  _only hers_ , it'll be representative of  _Be Bold_  and she can't allow this monster seated at the pit of her stomach to have any dominion over her body. "Do you think that most eating disorders are connected to or stem from body hate in any way?"

   In the days she spent trying to practice a form of journalistic integrity, she didn't notice when it curled around her shoulders like some chunky and uncomfortable scarf. Now it sits rather smug in the knowledge that Joohyun doesn't have the power to wield it.

   Chaeyoung draws in a deep breath as an exaggerated show of exasperation. Joohyun is aptly aware of how  _different_  she is from Lisa's somewhat endearing condensation. "Yeah..." she says, staring at the cup of coffee as though it personally offended her—Joohyun's about to ask the next question when Chaeyoung continues, "a lot of girls I know are bullied for being overweight when anyone  _sane_  can clearly see that they're not—they're called names and stigmatised for something they can't control. It's stupid—it's  _so_  stupid because whatever words these people say enforce that little voice in your head, y'know? That the only way to stop them from bullying you is to..." She pauses to clear her throat, but the crack in her voice was already audible—shattering any lingering illusion about her desperate bravado. "To—to listen to that voice telling you to starve yourself."

   "Doesn't that indicate a corrupted self-approval in terms of body image?" As soon as Joohyun says that, she  _knows_  she's timed the question all wrong. She looks up from her notebook to face whatever she's unleashed and  _god_  she wants to hide away like the child she really is—unable to confront their own mistakes in fear of the terrible unknown.

   She scoffs, " _Corrupted_  self-approval? What would  _you_  know about corrupted self-approval?" She sits hunched, arms folded over her chest but her words are  _acidic_  as they burn through Joohyun's skin and into her veins—transfusing with her sense of self. "It's because of privileged girls like you that these things happen in the first place."

   As a writer, Joohyun had thought of the many scenarios that could take place, most of them horrible and embarrassing—completely irrational—but none of them could compare to  _this_. She's stunned, heart hammering against her ribs—a cacophony of visceral music  _pounding_  in her ears. Cancelling the recording on her phone, a stilted apology ready to tumble from her lips when she hears Seulgi speak before her, "She's got  _nothing_  to do with—"

   "I'm sorry Chaeyoung-ssi." Joohyun says, words falling into each other in an effort to get her point across before anyone interrupts. "I apologise if I offended you—that wasn't my intention at all." Grabbing her phone and Seulgi's wrist, she gets up to leave.

   Seulgi stops her, tugging at Joohyun's arm once they're outside. "What the hell was that? Why didn't you say anything to her?"

   She doesn't want to turn and see the disappointment on Seulgi's face— _Seulgi_  who's always full to the brim with a justice only she can fight for, armed with the possibility that someone would listen and change their mind,  _Seulgi_  who is a constant  _believer_  that Joohyun can achieve anything. Now Joohyun doesn't want her to realise how unworthy she really is of it all.

   "She was right."

   "What—? No, no she wasn't."

   "I am  _privileged_. I don't understand what she's going through." Joohyun turns, desperate to leave—to go back and lie in her bed until all she can think of are the ways she  _could have_  handled the situation—to acknowledge the worthlessness that's already settled into the marrow of her bones. It  _pains_  how her every bone is heavy with that implication.

   Seulgi remains far too hopeful, "That doesn't make you privileged."

   "Look just—I'm going back. I'll see you around."  
  


* * *

  
Late nights in Seungwan's room are rather uneventful.

   Joohyun really does love Seungwan, her radiant solidity and humble manner. She loves her with an agonising clarity of arrows tipped with silver shot at the heart. Son Seungwan is unreal and achingly pure for a world too  _human_ —she truly belongs to the hierarchy of angels, amongst a haloed sort of love.

   Dim light from a lamp casts dispersed shadows on the walls, their soft edges tremble and dissolve in the corner of her eyes. It's  _safe_  here within these walls, nothing painted with melancholy.

   Seungwan is lying across the bed, head nestled on Joohyun's lap—it's one of those lazy nights shrouded in an unfamiliar nostalgia—fingers weaving through Seungwan's hair in hopes to compartmentalise her own thoughts by partaking in something inane. Yet they still linger, incessant in their selfish demand to be prioritised.

   "Did you find anyone else to interview?" Of course Joohyun hasn't, she's been more busy trying to ignore the mess she made the last time armed with only  _insensitive_  questions and an apathy materialised from scientific facts. It's been days but that ineptitude still weighs incredibly heavy against her skin.

   "She was the only one," Joohyun replies, tone a little sour and regretful.

   Seungwan gets up and turns around to face Joohyun—head tilted to the side rather adorably. "I'm sure there's someone out there, did you ask around on social media?"

   "Yeah," she says, "but no one responded."

   "You've gotta be persistent, unnie." Seungwan places both her hands on Joohyun's shoulders with a smile on her face reminiscent of a long forgotten comfort. "Don't give up."

   "I'm  _not_ ," Joohyun says, rather subdued—she  _can't_  give up, there is no choice—never had one. There are too many extraneous factors involved and she can no longer afford to drown in the rich stillness of disappointment all over again. She smiles at Seungwan, tight-lipped but it's enough of a reason for the change in atmosphere.

   "Good. I'll post about it as well."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapter twice lmao only 'cos it didn't feel right.
> 
> Why do you think either of them reacted the way that they did? Were Joohyun's questions really insensitive? Was Chaeyoung right about Joohyun being privileged?


End file.
